Reno's List
by Natural Seoul
Summary: Reno has a knack for bending Shin-Ra rules and policies. Just how many can he break?
1. Compose Army Cadences

Reno's List

Rated for language. No lemons.

The many things Reno is no longer allowed to do in the army. Search "Skippy's List" for more hilarity.

In case you didn't know, a cadence is what a unit leader will sing/yell in order to keep the troops behind them in sync and focused as they run.

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><p>1. Compose Army Cadences<p>

After many frustrating and fruitless attempts, Tseng had decided that Reno was to report to his partner after a mission, who would then write a report for both of them. He was therefore suitably surprised to find Reno scratching his rat's nest of a hairstyle with a pencil, scribbling on a piece of paper. Tseng noticed with distaste that the pencil had been one of his, and that it was now chewed. The Turk Commander felt a headache brewing.

The piece of paper Reno was writing on crumpled, and he cursed.

"Tseng, what rhymes with 'questionable sexuality'?" Reno asked, still focused on the paper. He paused and tapped the pencil on his lip.

"…What?" Tseng asked weakly. He really should have known better than to talk to Reno before having his customary cup of coffee.

"Actually, no, how do you make 'necrophilia' into a verb?" Reno muttered for a second, before he announced, "Corpse fu-king". He had paused between 'fuh' and 'king'.

The Commander was tempted to walk to his office and leave Reno to his own devices. Except… that never went well in the long run. Either way, he would have to fill out paperwork, in which he argued that Reno was worth the trouble he caused for Shin-Ra. He might as well take initiative.

"What are you writing about, no. Why are you writing rhymes?" Tseng pinched the bridge of his nose. It usually relieved some of the stress-related aches Reno caused.

"Not _rhymes_," Reno sounded outraged. "Cadences! It's work," he added hastily. Tseng often found things for Reno to do if the Commander thought Reno was underworked. 'Idle hands' and all that.

Tseng wasn't sure how to address that. Reno was a Turk. He had very little to do with the regular army, and they tried to keep it that way. Reno had a knack for conscripting impressionable cadets into participating in his little schemes. The only person he knew in the army that Reno frequently associated with was...

"Zack asked me to. The cadences they use now are boring, and he wanted to cheer up the General", Reno continued, after he saw Tseng's frown.

"The General," Tseng repeated. Surely the General Sephiroth was not singing cadences about questionable sexual practices. Tseng couldn't imagine the General singing, or even participating in marches. It was a bizarre thought. Reno often made him think about things he'd never have imagined on his own. He thought of how he could spin that. 'Adds flexibility to a team' sounded good on paper. 'Knows how to think outside of the box' was another.

"How many tentacles to squid have? Eight?" Reno interrupted Tseng's thoughts.

"Two, and eight arms. Reno, have you provided Lieutenant Fair with many cadence ideas?" Tseng asked absently as he factored in the damage control.

"They have _arms_? Like, people arms? Was that before or after Hojo? That's freaky shit, Tse-".

"Reno, you have to hide me!" The door to the Turk common room burst open, and a frantic Lieutenant Zack Fair scrambled in. His eyes were wide and panicked. The powerful SOLDIER attempted to fit his body, including his massive sword, under the coffee table where Reno had been writing. He shook like his namesake, a puppy, and covered his eyes.

"Dude, chill. What'd you do?" Reno flopped on the couch, having stood up when Zack flew in.

"I didn't _know_ Seph was going to watch PT today!" He wailed. "He's looking for me right now". Reno cursed.

"You led him right to me! You freakin' Puppy, he's gonna skewer us both!" Reno dashed towards the air vents. Tseng was somehow unsurprised to discover that at some time prior, Reno had removed the screws holding the screen in place. He pulled the screen away and clambered in, and pulled the screen back towards him. Tseng and Zack eyed each other as they heard the Turk banging through the vent system. Tseng sighed.

"I suppose I could say that Reno frequently tests and improves Shin-Ra security," he eyed the ceiling. "I didn't know someone could actually fit in those".

"Reno's a skinny guy. I wish I could fit up there too," Zack said, mournfully. Tseng shook his head and went to his office. It was time to start the incident report. He could simply fill in the manner in which the General Sephiroth murdered Reno afterwards. He paused.

"Reno?" Tseng called up at the ceiling.

"Yeah boss?" Came the muffled reply, somewhere to his left.

"Do you think he'll just stab his sword into the ceiling until he kills you, or wait until you come out?" Tseng asked in a bored tone. If the General stabbed until he hit Reno, Tseng would also have to put in a request for repairs and a rug cleaning. He could probably finish the report within the hour.

The General of the Shin-Ra army strode into the Turk office. He ignored the quivering coffee table, which was two inches from the floor and balanced on the flat of his Lieutenant's sword. The man was too large to fit under it normally. He walked up to the Turk Commander.

"Where?" The General asked curtly. Tseng sighed and pointed up. He heard muffled curses.

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><p>Next up: brewing coffee.<p> 


	2. Make Coffee

Reno's List, Story 2

For those who don't remember, or who haven't played the game, Gold Point (GP) is the currency used in the Gold Saucer, like tokens. Also like tokens, they are more expensive than using money, and more difficult to obtain. One GP is equivalent to 100 Gil.

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><p>Make Coffee<p>

The Department of Administrative Research had a certain order. Like any other office, there were unstated rules. Things were done in a certain way, by the people most suited to the task. Rude was quiet and menacing, and great with his hands. He was perfect for interrogations. Tseng was calculating and responsible, and had, as described by Reno, "a hard on for rules". He organized missions, and lead the Turks well. Cissnei had an agreeable disposition, and worked well with other departments. She was often sent on missions involving civilians, the Army and SOLDIER. Every Turk had their specialties.

And then there was Reno. Though an indisputable member of the Turks, he often ran afoul of Tseng, failed to follow mission parameters, and was generally considered an element of chaos. Despite his skill with a baton, and his considerable physical capabilities, the only reason Tseng kept him in the Turks was his fierce loyalty to the Turks, and his determination to finish a mission, even if it called for "some special Reno magic". This loyalty was being tested sorely.

"No. N.O. Tseng, North Corel is Gaia's podunk sandy asshole, and you want me to spend a whole month there, yo? Fuck that, they'd shoot me the second they see the suit, yo. No way in-"

"Battle Square. The mission is, specifically, in the Battle Square", Tseng offered Reno a mission folder.

"Whoa, what? Isn't Martial Arts the best guy for that job? Or Rude?"

"If you'd read the file, we need someone to lure a Corel gambler into speaking," Tseng frowned into his mug of coffee. It was cold. Reno flicked through the folder's contents.

"You want someone who can gamble, yo?" Reno grinned from ear to ear.

"You have damnably good luck, and you have the right temperament for an extended stay at Corel, posing as a long-term gambler at the Gold Saucer."

"Why can't I stay at the Gold Saucer?" Reno said, thinking of the Ghost Square. It was spooky, but much more comfortable than a tent in Corel.

"We want to be able to track the Corel suspect, and being in the same town makes that easier," Tseng explained, setting the cold mug aside. "Will you take the mission?"

"How much do I get for 'spending money'?" Reno asked, eyes lighting up at the thought.

"It's in the file. Try to be judicious with the company's money," Tseng warned.

"You got it, yo," Reno said, still grinning. He turned to leave.

"Will you bring a coffee for me?" Tseng looked over the stacks of paperwork he had yet to complete.

"If I don't have to come back with those GP, you've got it, boss," Reno winked.

"...you were never going to come back with the remaining GP," Tseng stated.

"But now I've got the green light, yo", Reno said, walking out.

As Reno left Tseng's office, he looked for his partner in crime, Rude. Failing to spot him, he walked to the staff break room. Reno contemplated the things he could do to Tseng's coffee. He could use the laxative pills he had bought in anticipation of such an event. He could dust the itching powder in his suit jacket pocket along the rim of the mug. Or he could…

"Well damn. Coffee's out," he grumbled. Another unstated office rule was that the person who finished the old coffee had to make a new pot. Reno didn't drink coffee himself, and so never had to make it. Since the other Turks seemed to be out of the office, it would be up to him to make the stuff. Well, he could just 'forget' to get Tseng coffee, but then Tseng might give him a hard time about misspent GP. And he really wanted to use that itching powder.

After a quick glance at the machine, and some cupboard-raiding, Reno had assembled a pack of fragrant coffee grounds, a filter, and a pack of cookies. Reno ignored the "Rod" label written on the packet, and proceeded to eat the contents. A man on a mission needed fortification, no matter whose they had been. Besides, if you bring a treat to the office, you needed to guard it vigilantly. Another unstated rule.

Brushing crumbs from his suit, he returned to the task of making coffee. He knew it needed a filter. Or did it need two? Better use two, in case. He pried the plastic top off, and stuffed the round filter into the square-shaped hole. It was weird that the shapes weren't the same, but it wasn't his problem. Next, he opened the coffee grounds package. How much coffee grounds for a pot?

"Fuck it, one package should be enough, right?" He asked himself, dumping the dark brown grounds on top of the crumpled filter. Reno pushed the 'on' button, which glowed red. He leaned back, waiting for the familiar brown liquid to appear. Nothing. Reno rummaged through the cupboards more thoroughly to kill time. He found that Rude had hidden his lunch above the cupboards, in the dusty space below the ceiling. No wonder he had never been able to steal Rude's sandwiches. Unwrapping the sandwich, Reno poked the coffee machine again. Reno bit into half the sandwich. Rude's sandwiches were fucking great. He used the good bread, not the "On-Sale" stale shit like Martial Arts.

It was nothing an EMR couldn't fix. Reno stuffed the sandwich in his mouth, and tapped the machine with his rod. He hit it. Nothing, but the top clicked closed properly, despite being stuffed over-full with grounds. Reno turned when he heard Tseng sigh behind him.

"You were taking too long…" Tseng explained, watching Reno prod the coffee machine. Tseng noticed that Reno's EMR was humming. "Is that ON?" The Head Turk asked in horror. Reno muttered something around a mouthful of sandwich. He growled in frustration and smacked the machine with 1,000 volts.

It exploded.

Hot, wet, grounds smacked into Reno's face, and he screamed in shock through the sandwich. Tseng had managed to get half of his body out of the doorway, but part of his suit was soaked with coffee and grounds. He stared in awe at the chaos Reno created.

With a fatalistic detachment, Tseng wondered how much it would cost to hire a new cleaning service. The ShinRa cleaning staff refused to enter the Turk offices after the last Reno-related incident. The old cleaning service refused to pick up calls from ShinRa after the 'gum incident'.

There was a human-shaped white space on the floor where Reno had been standing, creating a dramatic cartoon cut-out. The man himself was frantically washing his face in the staff sink. He was dripping coffee, and clumps of grounds were in his hair, on his suit, and even his shoes. The room was covered. Tseng looked up. Even the light-fixtures were coated in grinds, giving off a darkened glow. Tseng pulled his PHS from his pocket, and started a voice memo.

"Note to self, Reno may never, _ever_ make coffee."

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><p>So that's the second chapter, based on a real-life story... minus the EMR. What do you guys think so far? Any requests for what Reno should NOT be doing in ShinRa?<p> 


	3. Do A Barrel Roll

Disclaimer: I do not own any rights to any of the FFVII characters, locations, or items. I do, however, own many items produced by Square Enix.

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><p>The dust slowly settled around the impact site. In the distance, a mangled helicopter smouldered. Ahead of the crash was a forest, where the ruins of a Wutai rebel base could be found. Back at the helicopter, two men groaned. One fished a cracked pair of sunglasses from his rumpled suit pocket. He polished it as he spat out dirt. A propeller blade was impaled in the earth beside his face. He thought back on numerous other instances where he had been beaten, burned, poisoned, and shot. Being a Turk came with a health care plan for a reason. The second man seemed content to lay in the dirt, staring at the sky. Although it was difficult to tell, his hair was usually a vibrant red.<p>

The first man coughed, then put his new sunglasses on. In a gravelly voice, he spoke.

"Reno, how the hell do you get through this shit?"

"Two words: lucky boxers. I never wash em'."

"Wait, didn't you have lucky boxers last mission?"

"Yeah, so?"

"They the _same_ ones?"

"Never wash 'em _and_ I never take em off."

"You're fucking sick, Reno."

"I know, it's part of the Reno charm… Hey Rude?"

"Yeah, partner?"

"Do you know where we are?"

"…No. "

"Damn. I guess we'd better start walkin'."

The two black-suited figures began walking away from the ruined helicopter. One began shaking rubble from his pants, complaining. The other simply sighed.

"I don't think Tseng is going to let you do barrel rolls anymore," he concluded, looking back at the burning chopper.

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><p>Have you seen Kaori Tanaka's Youtube channel? I suggest it.<p> 


	4. Drink while on call

Reno's List 5: Drink an entire bottle of anything again.

What third wall? Also, swearing.

Any and all places, names, and items belong to Squeenix. But all your base are belong to us.

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><p>After the previous Turk watering hole was crushed, burned, and otherwise rendered useless by a giant meteor, along with much of the surrounding area, ShinRa's Department for Administrative Research members were forced to seek another source of liquor. The new place to drink ended up being 7th Heaven, a bar run by a known terrorist, martial-artist, and brunette bombshell, Tifa Lockheart.<p>

For the better part of this fine afternoon, Ms. Lockheart occupied herself with polishing glasses and watching with morbid fascination as Reno emptied a bottle of rum. He became increasingly incoherent, sagging against his quiet partner. Tifa never asked the Turks why they chose her bar to drink at. She also let bygones be bygones, leaving her one-time opponents to drink in peace. Tifa thought back to when she rebuilt 7th Heaven in Edge. The Turk pair offered their helicopter to transport materials and rare liquors. She suspected Rude was sweet on her, but as he hadn't mentioned it, she wouldn't either. She looked at the man in question. The Turks always sat at the bar, in the corner, with a clear view of the door. Even if the world had settled down, there were still enemies to fight, and old habits died hard. Rude nodded once at Tifa, and she slid a glass of water, and a whiskey on the rocks, to the Turk pair. Rude attempted to feed Reno the water, who was having none of it. Giving up, Rude sipped the whiskey and watched Tifa work. Reno was face-down and muttering.

From upstairs, there was a thud, and then the tread of heavy-soled boots. One Cloud Strife, twice-saviour of the world, appeared with a giant motorcycle tire over his shoulder. He nodded at Tifa, who smiled. As he was walking by, Reno shot up.

"You!" He exclaimed blearily. Cloud paused. He turned to stare at Reno. They had once been enemies, but he had made his peace with it. He knew Reno had done many despicable things during his career, but then, so had he. He waited patiently for Reno to finish.

"You…" Reno focused on the blond man. "You got your own theme song." Tifa snickered behind the bar. Rude was watching events unfold with a weary stoicism. This was neither the strangest thing Reno had said, nor the drunkest the man had ever been. Nothing would top 'That Time At Don Corneo's'.

Cloud simply observed the Turk with a steady gaze.

"You're godamned _smile_ got it's own theme song, yo!" Reno moaned.

Cloud looked at Tifa. She knew better than to give Reno absinthe. She shook her head and shrugged.

"Turks, we got one song for…" Reno started counting on his fingers, "…fifteen Turks".

Rude finished his drink and pulled out his wallet to settle the tab.

"Ffffucking… theme songs. I want one!" Reno flailed his arms out. "I got a character change, why not a song, yo?" He smacked his hand on the bar for emphasis. The drunk Turk immediately winced and rubbed it. "It'd be all…" he started humming. Cloud put down the tire and sat on it, watching as Reno drunkenly conducted an imaginary orchestra. Rude steadied him when he became overly-enthusiastic with the string section. The Turk was interrupted by his PHS ringing.

Cloud coughed a quiet laugh; "Me So Horny" was Reno's ringtone. Tifa was giggling as she gave Rude his change. Rude was trying to keep his eyes from the jiggling bounty of Tifa's chest. Reno was trying to answer his phone. He fumbled it open.

"Tsennnng! I'm drunk!" Reno gleefully informed the Turk commander. The resulting sigh was audible throughout the room. "Did you know Strife's fuckin' smile got a theme song?" he informed his boss indignantly.

"Reno. There is a two drink limit for off-duty Turks," came the stern reply, "I could have been calling you in for a mission". Tseng was ignoring the 'theme song' comment. Tifa looked surprised at the drink limit. As far as she knew, the Reno was inebriated at every opportunity. Reno muttered something into the phone.

"Two drinks does not mean two _kinds_ of drinks," Tseng hissed. Cloud was snickering. Tifa watched the rare sight with a smile. "… and that does not mean _first_ and _last call_!"

Reno was trying to explain that he only had _one_ bottle, and of course he could handle his liquor.

"Two does not mean the two can be as large as you like," the Wutaian explained through the phone. "Just... give the phone to Rude." Reno shoved the phone at Rude with a tragic pout. His displeasure was brief, as he promptly passed out with a _bang_ on the bar counter. Tifa put his bottle in the recycling pile.

Rude spoke quietly with Tseng for a moment, then closed the PHS with a click. Rude sighed and said a quiet goodbye to Tifa, who waved. He slung his partner over his shoulder. In an uncharacteristically helpful mood, Cloud grabbed Reno's arm, and they carried the unresponsive Turk out between them.

Tifa noted to herself that Reno was never allowed to drink an entire bottle of rum again, even if it did lead to interesting conversations.

As the door closed, she heard Rude complain.

"I hate flying the copter!"

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><p>Have you heard Murdoc from The Gorillaz slur "fucking"? I imagine that is how Reno also pronounces it. In fact, I sort of imagine Reno and Murdoc would be drunken mates.<p>

I just learned that Rude had a girlfriend named Chelsea. I wonder if she died in Meteorfall? That seems like an interesting plot for another story.


	5. Convince infantrymen they might die

Reno's List 5

It's so easy to write to an audience that already knows what I'm talking about. Fanfiction is perfect for lazy people like me: none of that character development. And hell, no need to design a world, Gaia's premade!

I do not own any of the characters, places, or items mentioned below. Also, the inspiration for these stories comes from Skippy's List.

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><p>"Yeah, it's been going around, yo. You've gotta be careful, kid," a vibrant red-haired man appeared to be lecturing a young infantryman. The boy was staring wide-eyed at the suited man, his lunch tray clutched tightly. His features were twisted in horror. Rude sat down behind his partner to listen. When Reno got started with one of his stories, it was almost a work of art to hear.<p>

"The Science Department was developing it, yanno? But the Wutian terrorist got a hold of it," Reno cast his eyes around the room dramatically, and dropped his voice to a whisper. "It got around, you know…" "Haven't you noticed that the SOLDIER guys are all so…?" Reno winked.

"Clean?" the youth supplied. Every ad campaign poster featured the impeccable SOLDIER stars. He had several hanging up beside his bunk.

"Yeah, they have to be careful with this sort of thing, it can be _dangerous_. I'm warning some of the guys in private, y'know, if they have some of the signs…"

"Signs?" The blond squeaked. Rude noticed the kid had a heavy accent. The Turks often traveled as a part of their job, but be couldn't place this one. Was it Modeoheim?

"Little bumps…" the Turk trailed off.

"A little itchy?" the kid asked breathlessly.

"Exactly! Itchy, a little red too," Reno added. He watched with suppressed glee as the boy felt his chin with horror. "You don't really notice it, but it'll get to your brain, and then…" The cadet leaned in. "BAM! You're dead."

"Oh Gaia! I didn't know things could go so wrong! Pa died… no one taught me these things. I… I just kind of went along with it," the young man stammered. "Is there treatment?" He blushed furiously.

Rude watched as Reno's face changed. The teasing had been funny, but the kid's sob-story must have got to him. Parents were a touchy subject with Reno. Or rather, Rude knew that if Reno got near his parents, he'd do more than _touch_ the fuckers.

"Yeah, it's really easy. You just… sanitize it with alcohol..."

"I-I have to go," the infantryman left his lunch tray on the table and hurried off to the barracks. Reno watched him go and snagged the kid's fries. He turned to Rude.

"I convinced him that the Science Department developed these nanobugs, and the kid believed me!" Reno snickered. "I just noticed he had razor bumps, and thought, 'why not dick with the kid?'"

"The Science Department doesn't work with nanotech. All the funding is for microbiology, immunology" Rude said. Reno shrugged and scarfed down half the container of fries.

"The kid doesn't know that," he said around a mouthful of fries. "Y'know, I think the cafeteria intentionally makes these things bad."

"You planned to get his lunch all along, didn't you," Rude asked. "…And I think the regular cafeteria has a fraction of the budget the SOLDIER one does".

"I'm broke," Reno laughed, fry bits sprinkling the floor, "but I didn't think that far ahead. That's actually kinda nice of you, Rude."

"You're a bastard," Rude sighed. Reno offered him the fry container. "You shouldn't tell people that sort of shit. The Science Department might get ideas."

They both shuddered.

"Yeah, I got it, no more Science Department horror stories", Reno agreed, then paused. "Unless they're true."

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><p>"Cloud, why do you disinfect your face after you shave?" Tifa asked, leaning against the bathroom door. She watched as the man carefully wiped his jaw line with rubbing alcohol. "Don't most guys just use after-shave?" The brunette fighter wondered why Cloud bothered to shave in the first place. He grew almost no facial hair.<p>

"…it's something I heard, a long time ago. I guess it just stuck," Cloud answered. He carefully inspected his freshly-shaved face.

There were no bumps. He sighed with quiet relief.

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><p>From Skippy's List: The Chicken and Rice MRE is *not* a personal lubricant.<p>

I lol'd when I imagined Reno doing this. Also, Reno's 'yo' comes and goes. It'd be easier if I could use 'zo to', but it doesn't make sense in English, and I'd be a weeaboo.


	6. Jump out of a moving helicopter

Reno's List

Do not jump out of a moving helicopter for any reason, ever. Seriously.

As usual, I claim no rights to the characters or places in this story. Don't sue. I'm broke. No, seriously. Broke.

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><p>After a mission in Juon, Reno and Rude were finally flying back to Healin' Lodge. The sky was dark and overcast, but there were no difficult winds to negotiate the helicopter through. Once, it was so windy the helicopter had swung around like a carousel. Reno hadn't known Rude could go that color, but it was amusing. The big man almost puked down the side of the helicopter. He had to breathe in a paper bag. The sight of Rude, who was an intimidating man, breathing in a crinkled paper bag left Reno in stitches.<p>

With the fine winds today though, Reno was bored. Rude refused to play "I Spy" for the tenth time, because the only thing in sight was dirt, the occasional piece of debris, and dingy scrubs. On a whim, Reno tilted the chopper towards the ruins of Midgar. Rude, noticing the sudden direction change, inquired.

"Nothin' to see in Midgar, partner".

"Yeah, well, Rufus pays the gas bill on this baby, yo, so it doesn't matter if we burn off some extra, right?" Reno paused. "Wonder if Cloud's out today."

"It's cloudy out", Rude deadpanned.

"Har, har, partner, you're a real barrel of laughs", Reno snorted.

"Tifa liked that one." Reno bolted up in his seat.

"You're banging Tifa? No shit, Rude. Nice!" He held up a pale hand. Rude didn't. "Dude, don't leave me hangin'," Reno waggled his hand in front of Rude's face. The latino man pushed it away.

"We aren't..." he said, "...I'm wooing her". Reno seemed flabbergasted.

"Y'ain't banging her? What the hell, Rude? Do you go on long romantic walks in the park with a shit-ton of kids behind ya?"

"She mixes drinks, gets my opinion. I take her out, cook her dinner."

"Hah, cuz there ain't any restaurants left in this damn area," Reno snorted. He thought of the Goblin's Bar, the old Turk hangout before Seventh Heaven opened. Both were under the rubble now. "What if we opened a restaurant?"

"You'd be drunk before noon, partner," Rude humored him.

"Yeah, everthin'd be flambe, bitches!" Reno crowed. "Everythin'd have booze in could get Tifa ta help ya, yo." He imagined himself with a flamethrower on each arm, fire gushing from the ends. The girls'd love him!

"...she was thinking about adding a menu."

"Wait, you ain't leavin the Turks for some chick, are ya?" Reno asked, concerned. No one else would last ten minutes in the helicopter with him. Eventually he only went on missions with Rude after Tseng pulled a gun on Reno, shutting him up on pain of death. Reno often told the other Turks, with pride, that he was the only one Tseng had pulled a gun on and lived. It was a cautionary tale, more-so to warn the recruits from Reno than Tseng. Of course, according to Reno, he'd gotten Tseng's ears to bleed first. Tseng, if in hearing range, riposted that Reno was the one who'd bleed if he didn't get his paperwork done.

"...Nah. Thought about helping on the weekends, was all."

"Cool, mate. Lemme know what cup size she is!" Reno cupped and jiggled both of his hands, causing the helicopter to dip. "Fuck! Cloud _is_ out!" Reno straightened the chopper and dipped down closer to check out the massive motorcycle the hero was riding. He whistled. "Daaaamn, I've never seen that thing up close. It's like a fuckin tank!"

"Compensating."

"Psst. Y'think?" Reno brought the chopper lower, squinting through his goggles. "He's always pulling some sour face, so maybe you're right." Reno suddenly grinned. Rude was worried. And rightly so. Reno brought the chopper dangerously low, and put it directly above Cloud. "I bet yah a hundred Gil he's not compensating".

The blond man looked up, and his face went from neutral to outright disgust, as if he knew what they were talking about. He gunned the motorcycle. Reno whooped and sped the chopper up. "Rude, I'm gonna do somethin stupid, so I'm gonna do it fast before I think this through." Though his face was stoic, Rude's heart leapt into his throat. Reno had opened the chopper door and was flinging himself out, whooping. Rude's last view of Reno was his idiotic grin, and then the whipping flag of a red ponytail. Rude undid his seatbelt (a necessity with Reno's flying) and scrambled into the pilot's seat as the chopper began to dip. After stabilizing the machine, he looked down.

Reno's suit jacket whipped his body as he suddenly realized that perhaps this was not his brightest moment. Not that that had ever stopped him. He only had about two seconds of free-falling panic before he landed hard behind Cloud, on the small space of seat left. He exhaled sharply and made a tiny, breathless whining noise. Reno tried not to puke. He had landed quite hard on a sensitive area.

Cloud shrieked.

"Didn't know guys could make that sound," Reno gasped. He wiped tears from his eyes. Though Reno could't see Cloud's face, he could tell the man was tense. "Oh, yeah, right," Reno smacked his own forehead. "Have ta check this," he plunged his hands into Cloud's loose fabric pants, giving him a grope. Cloud banked the motorcycle hard, flinging Reno off of the seat. Reno rolled a couple of times, then stood, brushing at his suit.

"Hey man, don't mess with the suit!" Reno cried at Cloud. Cloud stared at him, his face cycling from anger, to shock, to astonishment, and back.

"You... What are you _doing_?" Cloud screeched. "You could have _died,_ you stupid Turk."

"Nah, fell from higher things than that before, yo," Reno dismissed. He had. Though that was a story for another time.

"You damn... _idiot_. And what was _that_?" Cloud shifted his pants back into place.

"I just could't wait another second to get into your pants, yo," Reno raked his hair back, and grinned. He hoped he looked sexy. Cloud kickstarted the giant machine's motor again.

"Nothing's broken?" he asked flatly. Reno made a show of turning around with his arms out.

"Check out these goods, man," he said, waggling his butt at the hero. Cloud sighed, dropped his head into one hand, and pinched the bridge of his nose. Overhead, the chopper circled back, and Rude stared down at Reno for a long moment. Reno winked. Rude looked like he sighed, and then turned the helicopter towards Healin' Lodge. Reno shouted at the retreating chopper. "Hey! Rude! Come back!" He jumped up and down, waving his arms. To no avail. Reno reached into his pocket to retrieve his PHS, only to remember he had left it in the helicopter. Cloud watched the show with mild interest.

"Damn, the man can never commit, yo," Reno sighed, shaking his head in a parody of sadness. "So..." He turned sharply to Cloud, his jacket flaring. "What are _you_ doing tonight, sexy?" He waggled his red eyebrows.

"...I have to deliver a package," Cloud turned the motorcycle away from Reno.

"Wait, Cloud! I need a ride back to Healin'!" Reno called frantically, running after him. Cloud turned to look at Reno. Reno grabbed his crotch and thrust at Cloud.

"How much to deliver _this_ package, baby?" Reno grinned. Cloud shook his head in disgust. The motorcycle's engine roared, and he peeled off, leaving Reno staring aghast. "Wait! Cloud! You can't just leave me here!" The motorcycle retreated from sight.

"Well...fuck." Reno sighed and stared at the sky. It would take at least six hours to get to Healin' by foot. He started walking, and whistled "It's a Wonderful Life(stream)".

He paused. "At least Rude owes me some Gil". He shoved his hands in his pockets, whistling again.

* * *

><p>Get it? Penis. Hurr hurr.<p>

Anyways, sorry for the gap in stories. I've been insanely busy with school and taking a first aid course. Bleh.


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